"No one will listen to a word that you say, they'll read your body language and think everything's ok"
 I'm re-falling in love with the singer Ben Marwood. He seems to write songs about my life.

I'm all sorts of confused.
I don't know how to talk to him anymore. I think it's better if we just don't.
Obviously we can't be trusted.

I liked having him as a friend.
Why does he have to act this way?

Girls night last night told me a lot about myself. Also, a lot about my friends up here.
I love that even though I've only known them for a short time I feel so close to them.
I can't wait for Laura's birthday party. So much fun to be had.


   -Regine

So now things are going to be weird between us.

I just know it. It's your fault, really. I just wanted to hang out and watch a movie. I mean, I'm not saying I didn't want to kiss back, but I knew better. I wasn't even flirting! If you don't want anything out of this besides friendship then why the hell did you kiss me?!

Totally your fault.
:(

ugh.

  -rk

 

So I've done lots of thinking lately. I thought I'd try something new for a change.

 

I'm really tired of having feelings for anyone. I wish there was a way that I could just forget about him. I sound like a pathetic weirdo, but it's the truth. I really feel like I'm doing ok some days, but then I see him and I just get sad. I'm a puzzle. I don't even know what's going on in my head for real, sometimes.

 

I just need it to be summer already and I need to relax. I'm taking the May mini semester, so it might be hard to relax right away, but it'll be nice being away from people for a little bit. I need some Regine time again.

 

I like to be by myself so maybe I should just stay that way. It's easier not to get hurt I guess.

 

Ugh.

Sorry to leave on a whiney note.

    -R. Kalala

Looking back on my life for the past year, I've experienced a lot of heartache (I'm being serious, though it sounds cheesy) and pain. I've learned a lot and I've become very independent. There are times when I feel like I wish I could have my old life back, but overall I know that I'm a much stronger person because of everything. I'm not just talking about my mom, of course.

It's crazy to think about descisions I've made that really don't have anything to do with her that have effected my life in negative ways. It makes me think of the question that Mrs. Farrar asked once in 11th grade

When do we stop blaming our parents?

I know I've blamed her for things being tough. I haven't done it out of spite or anything. Life has been significantly harder since all of this happened. I try to imagine what this first year of college would've looked like with her involved. We can't go back in time and fix things, but at least things are getting better now.

 

I'm done being mad at her. I can't spend my life not forgiving her. It would be a terrible waste. I had a good relationship with her at one point, so why can't it be that way again? I don't know if I'll ever completely trust her again, but I'm working on it. She's my mom still, she just got lost for a minute.

"Hating someone is like drinking poison and hoping that person dies"

Joe told me that last night, he couldn't remember where he heard it. I really liked that.

 

Anyhoo, I'm pretty busy still, but I'm hoping things kind of settle down soon. I'm trying to write a new song but I'm having trouble because I don't ever have any time to work on it. Thank God it's almost the weekend. I'm going to a Space Party on Saturday. I'm so excited to just hang out with a bunch of people I haven't hung out with in a while. Yay for Space :D

 

   -R. Kalala

So things are looking up...
...er, down?

Sideways.

I am comfortable even though things aren't completely in order. For the most part, I'm content with life and all the drama that existed a few weeks ago hasn't completely faded away, but it has shifted to other places. My car was fixed, it cost an arm and a leg but it's done. I'm no longer irresitable, which is awesome. I'm starting to lose that power of having people fall in love with me, ha. That sounds hella conceited but it was a problem for a while. I couldn't really connect with all of my guy friends here because I always had this fear of them wanting to be something more. I went and hung out with that guy from the last post and it was fun but it's one of those situations where you know the best thing for you is to just leave things simple. I don't know why he wanted to date me anyway. I don't know why anyone does (or did). Not to say that I'm not worth dating, it's just that I'm always so busy and I'm a jerk when it comes to boyfriends. I never want to see them once we're official. Strange, but true.



Anyway, I have been really busy lately. So much to do in Design and Drawing I. More work than I've ever had to do in my life. I bought Yupo (this plasic papery stuff), 2 paintbrushes, and some paint and it cost 27 dollars. Art is too expensive. Goodness.

I don't like to complain.

I'm spending this Valentine's Day with good ol' Brown Sugar (oldest and dearest friend) and homework.
Later tonight I will wear a dress: we're having breakfast for dinner.

  -R.A. Kalala

p.s.
I've decided on this as my birthday present-to-myself-tattoo. I can't wait till November!

I'm so lost.

I don't know how to deal with this. She emailed me tonight and finally said sorry. She's said it before, but never this way.
It's all too much.

I don't know how to trust people anymore. I wish I could. There's this stupid barrier every time someone tries to be close to me now.

Why can't I just forgive her?

Why does this have to be so fucking complicated? I wish I could just stop feeling so hurt. I don't know how. I've begged God, but it doesn't seem to get any better. I can't hate her and I can't love her. I wish I could do something.

I wish I could fix this.

My heart aches like the day she left.

-Regine